If you act a certain way for long enough, you become it.
There is a natural state of being that I exist in when I am around people. That state is the state of self-doubt and questioning. I seem to instinctively assume anyone I'm with thinks I'm stupid, weak and lesser than them. Six years ago, I would combat this insecurity by acting as weird as possible - and yes, I really did act weird. It's no surprise that my mum thought I had aspergers. It's no surprise that I was bandled between several psychiatrists to try and unlock the mysteries of me. Let's take a scenario that was and is very common: I'm with a friend, and that friends bumps into someone they know. I stand there, awkward, and I've suddenly entered an entire state of being. It's really quite amazing how quickly my brain shuts down and enters a completely different reality. I suddenly perceive the situation different, I become flushed, I become hyper-aware of my body and my facial expressions.
And in that situation, I start to think to myself: "I need to let this person know I'm not stupid. I need to let them know I'm funny. I need to let them know this and that." I can't just be myself and let them know me, I have to project specific personality traits to them so they think of me in a certain way, because the alternative - knowing me and judging me for who I really am - is too scary. If I meet this new person and act weird to them, and they think I'm weird, who gives a shit? That isn't me they think is weird, that's this alternate version of myself catered specifically for this one individual. It really doesn't make any sense; there's no logic or reason behind it, but it felt comforting to me to behave in this way. It was a protection.
I still do this now - or at least, I did. I try not to. It's hard to stop something you're so used to doing, especially when that something is a thick defense mechanism to protect my self-worth from being shattered too much. I do it in a different way, these days. If I meet a male, I instinctively attempt to emasculate that person in order to remain the 'alpha-male' of whatever group I may be in at that specific moment. I do this to an awful manner - walking down the street, I will glare at males who I feel threatened by. "How dare they potentially be better men than me? Boy, I'll show them! I'll stare at them and broadcast my intense insecurities to them and the rest of the world!" Yeah, it's stupid, and it's a fucking awful trait to have.
And this leads to how I act in general around people. It's very hard for me to grow comfortable with someone and act more like myself, so I tend to not try anymore. I don't act completely different, mind. I just pick and choose, I guess. I keep the real me at arm's length but I never reach to grab it, instead, I just brush my fingertips along it every now and then, perhaps reminding myself of who I am or letting others know there is genuineness to me. My defense mechanism has forced me to act 'dark,' or 'evil.' I know that sounds ridiculous, and believe me, I'm constantly aware of its ridiculousness, but I have become accustomed to ignoring my reasoning and I am seduced too easily by darkness. There's a lot to talk about regarding darkness, or being a damaged person, but that's for another day. For now, I'll just say that it's my perception that being 'damaged' or 'dark' is romanticized heavily in the media, and many males are affected by it in the same way many girls are affected by how body image is portrayed in the media. I have been swayed entirely by this concept and for a long time tried to turn myself into someone who's 'dark' - I thought it made me attractive, alluring, intriguing, mysterious. Maybe it did, but it wasn't me. Why do I want to be things I'm not? If the real me isn't mysterious, that's fine. But the real me has other things that can replace that. It's just very difficult to be myself. In fact, up until a year ago, I would never even call myself a writer. People knew passingly that I write, but it wasn't something I used to identify myself. But I like that. I like being a writer, because it's me. It's the most real voice I have, and it's the shovel I'm using to dig myself out of my desolate pit.
But I'm trying to be different now. I'm trying to connect more with myself. I'm growing my hair out longer, to a style I want instead of a style I feel best projects who I want to be, and I'm no longer even aiming towards having my personality be a certain way. I am just being. I just am. I know there is a real Ryan buried deep beyond the shit inside me, and I know I can pull him out again. It isn't too late yet. There is a Pink Floyd lyric that really summarizes just what could have happened to me if I didn't have this epiphany:
"And it's too late to lose the weight you used to need to throw around."
Quite a startling concept. I act dark, I brush away the real me and I don't open up to people - I do this for so long that eventually it just becomes the real me. I feel like it almost has, but I've grabbed the hand of the real me and now I'll pulling it out of the water before it drowns. So now I'm blowing my way through the disguise. And I'm finally liking myself again. Not all the time - my self-loathing comes in big bursts and is still the majority of my self-reflection, but it's no longer the entirety, which is a start.
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